Here is an apology meant for every empty
hoarding on 3AM highways,
when the neon road lanes are screaming into your eyes and you are reminded of every void you have built a graveyard within your body for.
This is an apology to the random stops,
I did not spend enough time at.
The days I just wanted to sit & listen to the rain while sipping tea and smoke cigarettes,
but the suffocation slowly rose in my throat,
defeated me from doing it.
This is an apology to my favourite song.
The one that reminded me of youthful heads looking out of open windows on long drives.
The days my house felt like a spaceship and my body didn't have her spacesuit on,
I had to skip it to find my way to survival.
This is an apology to the only day I thought I would sleep for sixteen hours but I forgot to inform the nightmares,
they were not invited.
This is an apology to all the love I watched walk out the door.
All the love I did not have the courage to keep.
All the love, my heart was not warm enough to save.
This is an apology to my parents.
For all the slamming of doors and the extra long time in the trial rooms.
For all the times I made them believe they were not good enough.
This is an apology to death.
To all the days I, pretended she didn't exist.
To all the days I begged her to take me when it wasn't time.
I hope it still isn't.
This is an apology to my organs.
For cursing my heart for beating too fast too soon.
For cursing my lungs because they let spring stay for too long.
For choosing silences when I was dying to hear the sound of my own voice.
For killing all the butterflies in my stomach and wanting to preserve the carcasses.
This is an apology to myself.
For depriving myself the joy of feeling happy in going to bed alone.
For telling myself I couldn't stomach secrets.
For telling myself I am everything that's wrong with the world.
This is not an apology to all the wind that's yet to bring life to my fresh smile.
To all the beach surges my eyes are yet to witness.
For all the sunsets I'm yet to breathe.
For all the love. I can't wait to learn to swim.
I'm tired of drowning.